At 37, I thought I’d be further along in life. Instead, I’m starting over, raising a daughter, chasing goals, and trying to remember what it feels like to just enjoy being me.

Nobody really talks about how strange it feels to be a mother while simultaneously trying to figure out your own life.

I’m 37. I thought I’d have more figured out by now. More money in the bank, a home of my own, financial security, and a little more freedom. Instead, I’m rebuilding. I’m going to school, figuring out my career, trying to get ahead financially, and doing my best to give my daughter a good life.

And some days, I’m just tired of having to figure everything out.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate what I have. I do. But appreciation doesn’t pay the bills, make the future less uncertain, or magically make the things you want more affordable. Sometimes you can be grateful for your life and still wish it looked a whole lot different.

If I could pick up and move tomorrow, I’d probably be in Hawaii. Give me the ocean, warm weather, and a completely different view of life. But I have a daughter, and her relationship with her father matters. I can’t make decisions based solely on what I want. So some dreams have to wait.

That’s the thing about motherhood. Your dreams don’t disappear, but they don’t always get to come first.

And while we’re talking about things that are hard to admit, watching other people have the kind of support you wish you had can really sting. I see family members making plans, taking trips, and enjoying life with their significant others. They have someone to split the responsibilities with, someone to share expenses, and someone to lean on.

Sometimes I get pissed off watching people take that for granted. Not because I don’t want them to be happy, but because I wonder what it would feel like to have that kind of partnership. To not be the person responsible for figuring out every little thing. To have someone say, “I’ve got it. You take a break.”

It’s exhausting always being the one who has to make things work.

But I think what bothers me most isn’t even the lack of help. It’s how much I’ve changed along the way.

I miss being carefree. I miss being optimistic. I miss getting excited about things without immediately thinking about money, responsibilities, or everything that could go wrong. Somewhere between growing up, becoming a mother, working, and trying to keep life together, I feel like I lost some of that girl.

And I miss her.

I don’t want to spend my late thirties constantly worrying about what I haven’t accomplished. I want to enjoy my life while I’m building it. I want to travel, make memories with my daughter, finish school, have a career I’m proud of, and eventually stop feeling like every unexpected expense is a crisis.

I want a home. I want financial breathing room. I want to experience things without having to calculate what they’ll cost me afterward. I want to feel excited about the future instead of feeling like I’m racing against it.

Maybe that’s what rebuilding looks like at this age. Not some dramatic makeover or overnight success story. Just making different choices, trying again, and accepting that life didn’t turn out exactly how you pictured it.

I don’t have a perfect plan. I don’t have everything figured out. And I’m certainly not going to pretend that starting over at 37 is some beautiful, empowering experience every single day. Sometimes it’s frustrating. Sometimes it’s lonely. Sometimes it feels unfair.

But I also know I don’t want to give up on the things I still want.

Being a mother is one of the biggest parts of my life, but I don’t want it to be the only part. I want my daughter to have a happy childhood, and I want to be happy living it. I want her to see that her mother had dreams, too, and that it wasn’t too late to go after them.

I’m not looking to get my old life back. I just want some of that happiness back. That excitement. That feeling that there’s still so much out there waiting for me.

I’m 37, not finished.

And I’m really hoping the best parts of my life aren’t behind me.