The Phoenix Pages

Anxiety hits you like a wave. I get this feeling of complete brain fog, numbness in my face. My teeth start to hurt, my mouth is watering as if the vomit is going to come up any minute. I can feel it make its way down to my chest. My chest tightens. Boom hits my legs. My legs start to tremble, my feet are hot AF. I can feel my body tensing up, my body temperature is increasing. I feel on edge. I look around to see if anyone is noticing that I’m literally over here losing my fucking mind. Why are there so many people here? Why is it so god damn hot in here? Oh shit I’m going to throw up. Wait just kidding. No I’m not.. My palms are sweating like crazy . My body feels like little needles are hitting it. Wtffff is this? Why is everyone wearing there shoes in the house. I look over at everyone in the house laughing, talking. I love it, everyone is happy. My body starts calming down.. In the corner of eye, I catch a glimpse of chips being dropped on the floor. Should I go get the broom? Should I wait? Do you think they noticed it? Are they going to pick it up? Now I am focused on the floor. I look over to the counter and omfg there’s cups everywhere. Ah shit a drink spilled. I can feel my body shaking from the inside. Here it goes again. I am on the verge of tears because the house is a mess. It’s way too loud. I can’t do this. I go up into my room. I lay on the bed to get away from everyone. Replaying the scene from start to finish trying to figure out what I did wrong. My boyfriend comes up asks me if I am okay. I say no, there’s too many people here. The house is destroyed. I start crying. He tells me everything will be okay. He leaves the room and now I’m hyper fixated on the fact that I probably ruined his night . I’m obsessing about the fact that I have to clean the house… The tears are just running down my face as I listen to everyone having fun downstairs… What happened to me? I used to be so carefree and fun?